A Slice of the California Pie Queens

Served Best HOT

Your 2019 California Pie Queens

"Mmmmm, what's that delicious aroma?"

"It's a bird!"

"It's a plane!"

"No, you weirdos. That is quite obviously the majestic scent of a mixed berry pie; it's the Pie Queens!!"

You'll hear similar conversations to the one above all the time. Whether the University of California Pie Queens are strolling the sidelines of ultimate tournaments or walking the bay area beaches of Berkeley. At first it seemed like a nice little quip to the Queens; it's nice to be noticed. But, as time has ticked on and UC-Berkeley's premier sports team has continued to be successful, the fact that those two people think they're a bird or a plane is now viewed as a diss by the Pie Queens. They've qualified for the USA Ultimate National Championships a whopping 5 times in the last decade alone and have had 2 Callahan winners in the last 3 years. What more do they have to do to get the recognition they deserve? Is success in ultimate not enough? Is ultimate even a sport? Or is it just actually an adjective?

Is this actually a joke???

There's a real chance that these constant existential questions are beginning to weigh on the Pie Queens. Odds are the paranoia is just a product of a popular plant that happens to be legal in their state, but it looks like they're beginning to actually believe in those highdeas. Yes, this tweet from their team handle (@piequeens) seems to be properly #AprilFools labeled. But, upon further forensic tweetography performed in the UltiPlanet labs, we've determined that this tweet is quite clearly dated April 2. See ya, ultimate.

Come to think about it, my Twitter feed just might be on a different timezone than theirs. Either way, even if it's a narrative I'm creating for the sake of the article, I think we're all wondering the same thing. Are the Pie Queens through with ultimate? They may not be "the cream of the pie" when it comes to goaltimate, but will they actually switch to what their true calling is, a dancing team that only plays ultimate on the side?

Still reeling from the graduation of 2016 Callahan Award winner Marisa "Travel" Rafter, the Pie Queens have yet to win a Centex Dance-off since their back-to-back championships in 2015 & 2016. You'll remember Marisa for her POTY win despite having a controversial Callahan video in which she traveled no less than 3 times. Marisa used to say her nick name came from combining it with her last name, siting her life-long desire to be a world traveler after her ultimate career concludes, but I'll let you be the judge of how she acquired it by watching the clip below...

Whatever. Marisa's video is dope and we all travel. But has anyone else in the world traveled with as much grace as this? She may have broken Patrick Stegemoeller's arbitrary rules for how long a Callahan video should be but I like to think the extra time is necessary to fit in more of her elegant foot work and dancing potential. The reality is, Marisa Rafter still ain't coming back, so this dancing team needs some work.

Lucky for the Pie Queens, their faithful alumni would never let them down. Here you can see some alums lead the team's bi-weekly dancing practice. The alumni keep pushing for more than 2 practices a week but coaches Andrew "Go Bears-y" Berry and Danielle "Ban Chi" Ngo are still pulling for the team's success on the ultimate pitch. I for one hope that pull remains in bounds so the world can continue to watch this team compete at the highest level in the beautiful game of ultimate disc. When asked for comment on the situation, one recent alumni described Coach Andrew Berry as "not a puller", so here's to hoping Ban Chi gets to let it rip.

There's arguments to be made as to whether they're a dancing team first or an ultimate team first, but since (I think) this is an ultimate blog and I (still) control the narrative, let's talk flatball.

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Berkeley Pastry Royalty

The Pie Queens are the true college ultimate experience. They're the team everyone wants to be on. First and foremost, they're a nickname team. 2bunz, Tupps, Nacho, Moose, Croc, Buttah, Yanc, KatyCares, Cakes, Lego, Beds, Tater, Bobe, Dash, Spot, Winnie, Zee, Pika, Baller, and Lee. Great way to foster inclusion on a team, and even better because none of the nicknames suck. They're a self-described group of "hot, athletic alphas" so it might seem to you that their success on the field is inherent, but the reality is they work hard to obtain that success, both on the field and on the sideline. A sideline presence is best performed in conjunction with an online presence, and let me tell you, they surely have an awesome online presence. They have an active website that actually get's updated and they deserve more than the 1,123 Twitter followers that they currently have. Give them a follow to watch their sideline antics, where the team social media aficionado Bianca interviews the team to get the hottest of the hot takes on topics such as: what's the stupidest invention you can come up with, who would you not leave your kid alone with, biggest flirt on the team, and the most contentious of all, how do you eat string cheese. Our analytics department has informed me that the team seems to be pretty split on that last one.

Led by captains Anna "2bunz" Wysen, Amy "Nacho" Holm, and Janelle "Ammo" Lee, the Pie Queens will enter the postseason series fresh off a cake-walk of a tournament win at the North West Challenge tier 2&3. With the 7 wins, they improved their record to 22-10. They have a tough road ahead when looking towards South West Regionals. Including the Pie Queens, there are 6 teams in their region in the top 25 of both USA Ultimate and Ultiworld rankings, yet there will only likely be 3 bids to Nationals. But you'd be happy to hear the captains are giving it their all to push for a Nationals berth despite the competition. Nacho has been skipping every single one of her classes to study film of their opponents. Ammo has been game-planning offensive and defensive sets in her spare time when she's not eating cheesecake. 2bunz has, in a sense, become a motivational speaker to the team ever since there were 4 regional rivals who made the U-24 USA team over her. She's been primarily speaking on the idea that "there's a reason we're the only [expletive] team that gets to be called California on USAU, none of this acronym or hyphenated [expletive]".

Many friz heads would argue that the key to success is a simple offense and a complicated as fuck defense. The schemes that Ammo has come up with are going to be a test case for that theory to be studied by friz scholars for years to come. Offense, simple. 2bunz ---> Claire. Bing bong, score.

Above, 2bunz ---> Claire. Below, 2bunz ---> Claire.

Defense? Oh, defense is a whoooooole different story. Properly complicated and confusing as fuck. It's not so much of a set defense as it is an overarching theme for the defense. The idea is that as long as everyone on the field operates under the same mindset, the theme will properly propel them produce turnovers and end up scoring breaks all day. Ammo carefully crafted the defensive theme to be "playing hard to get, but we have been taking her on a few dates and we think she might be into us". It essentially crumbles down to a feign-poachy scheme where they actually are covering you even though it seems like they're poaching the lane. Opposing teams' O-lines have been known to leave the field completely disoriented and distracted by their inner monologues, generally resembling something like this, 'do you think she'll ask me on another date?' And the last full punch that the Pie Queens D-Line swings is a quick flash of (voted biggest flirt on team) Buttah's six pack while she throws it deep to Baller, who sticks her tongue out literally every time she catches the disc. And as Baller always says, "confused, eh?" From my own analytical perspective, I find it interesting that Baller always plays better against Canadian teams, because you'd think that her Canadian accent would really work more against most of the South West Region. Everybody is attracted to foreign accents, scientifically speaking.

Hard to tell which is the meme, and which is the pie queme

The Yanc Plank - When you layout for a dump pass that you threw to yourself

All-in-all, this team knows how to be balanced. Every year, they are hugely successful and highly competitive on the field, while still having immeasurable amounts of fun on the sideline. To create this environment, you need two things. First, you need IRL memes because why not. Second, you need people who will foster the progress of each facet: on-field & off-field. Just as important as a leadership team is to aiding the on-field processes, there's a need for class clowns type people to propel the fun aspect of the sport, the culture. Yanc and Winnie fill those clown shoes just fine. Winnie always being that girl who always throws lefty even though she's righty, and Yanc being the one whose first priority is getting better at Boot. They are the difference makers for when the fun starts, and what make the team enjoy their 7am practices together, building unity. Unity enough that they're willing to share toilet paper in the port-a-potties at tournaments as it gets low. And, as they say, those that soil together are loyal together.

Frisbee might have been invented using a pie tin from Frisbie's Pies in New Haven, CT, but it's now sweeter than ever thanks to the Pie Queens, and their namesake restaurant, Lois the Pie Queen in Oakland, CA. So sit back and enjoy a slice as you watch the Pie Queens try to give a proper ending to their 2019 season.

I'll leave you with a quick lesson from Captain Nacho. Smell ya later.