Pittsburgh "B" Team Wins "A" Natties

A.P. MILWAUKEE:.. Ultiplanet News Anchor Kyle Halstater has brought us breaking news from the Frisbee Front.

Flash back a mere month ago, as nearly every Ohio Valley Region school called off any further club sports activities due to the COVID pandemic. Only two schools were left to compete for the regions three mens' bids: Pittsburgh and Drexel. That's the story of how Pittsburgh managed to send three teams to nationals; the "A" team, "Ensabered Nudes", the "B" team, "Sabered Nudes", and the golf team, "Better at frisbee than Drexel".

At nationals, the golf team partied and the Ensabered Nudes buckled down do ensure that their months of preparations did not go to waste. But Pittsburgh's B team's coach; Tux, had a different strategy. Tux crammed the team into one hotel room and forced them to watch the movie "Miracle" for the entire night with their eyes pried open like in that Clockwork Orange movie (more on Clockwork Orange later).

Placed into the Pool "Pool of Death" B, with both UNC Darkside and Colorado Mamabird, few gave the Big Beautiful B teamers more than a few points, let alone a few wins. In their first game against Darkside, it seemed as if the predictions were coming true, as they quickly fell behind 4-0, including one particularly troubling point when star handler (and high schooler) Eli Block fell asleep on the line. But after rattling off a string of points they were able to get to a respectable halftime score of 8-6.

The second half was a completely different story. Lulled into a false sense of security by their "inferior competition" and halftime lead, Darkside dropped a pull and then first throw hucked their next possession out of bounds, giving Pittsburgh two easy scores to tie it at 8s. After a few trades, Darkside broke to make it 12-10 game to 13. Pitt would score the next one easily and then got a monster layout d by Santino Marchesano to get the possession and score. 12 - 12. UNC received and, after working it up a bit, Liam Searles-Bohs fumbled the catch. Pitt B broke for the win.

Pitt then had to play Colorado Mamabird and, lo and behold, the EXACT SAME THING HAPPENED. Like, everything was the same that Alex Atkins did all the mistakes instead of all the UNC players doing mistakes. It was so incredibly identical that we don't even need to go over it.

With those two wins, Pitt clinched the pool and the bye! This allowed them to lose to Princeton's "Clockwork Orange" in the final round of pool play (see, told you they would come up). Of course, this meant that Princeton notched two season wins against the soon to be champions, so consider that the asterisk on the title.

Coming into day three the bye, and the momentum, was shockingly all with the Pittsburgh B team: "Sabered Nudes". "People saw us coming to the [tournament] and said 'those knuckleheads don't stand a chance'" said cutter and chief knucklehead Trent Greener, "I think we really showed them what the best Pittsburgh squad is all about." Pitt would breeze through Saturday, knocking off the dregs of other schools too foolish to call club sports on account of Covid. 15-8 victories against both UC Palo Alto and Colorado College of the Times sent the Pittsburgh B team careening towards the finals with a head full of steam and a chance to win it all.

On the other side of the bracket, battle tested and ready to be taken seriously, were the "Ensabered Nudes": Pittsburgh's men's a team. They had to face all the private schools that had played online with their big private school money. Both Brown and Carleton had sent contingents robots in hazmat suits hooked up to the team via Zoom. Pitt had managed to dispatch these unholy automatons through hard work and the fact that robots stink at frisbee. They were ready. They were hungry. And no way were they going to lose to their title to the B team.

Well they did. Somehow Pitt B forced universe point against the Ensabered Nudes. Then the B team pulled out their trick play. They ran a line of everyone who had signed up for the mailing list but never showed up to a practice and Kyle Halstater. "The rules didn't say it wasn't allowed," said Kyle, invoking the classic Air Bud defense. Ensabered Nude's star Mike Ing fielded the pull but, facing down a horde of 100 faceless useless college kids and Kyle, immediately threw a callahan. Game over. B team wins. All hail B teams, our new masters.

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