Which High Schooler should you date?

I'm already upset at myself for what is to come

After High School, we stop focusing on high schoolers until we become parents because: they smell, tend to be mean, are intimidating (what with the hip lingo and cool clothing), and mostly because they remind of us all of a time when our joints didn't constantly hurt and that just isn't fair. But because ULTIPLANET has no shame and just wants to give the world more ultimate frisbee knowledge, I proudly present the Chapel Hill Highschool Ultimate Frisbee Team: CHUF!

PICTURED: CHUF also with no shame

Now before we get any further into this article, Imma need you to hop over to this buzzfeed link really quick and take a short quiz about which member of CHUF should you date. It will greatly help you in terms of context, and will probably give you more insight into this team than I ever could. Take the quiz a few times too, because we all know that each question can be answered differently, and if you keep getting "the freshmen", then stop taking the quiz and take a shower, because those kids are like 14 years old and that's just gross.

This is the full team, in all their glory

Favorite Song: Dragonstea Din Tei

Favorite Food: Anything Parents Bring Us

Adjectives that Describe Us: Run, Jump, Confused

What movie describes your team: Inside Out

Before you dive right in and start dating individuals, you should really get to know the whole team first. They are, and I cannot stress this enough, high schoolers. Their favorite song is Numa Numa which is absolutely wild because that has been every high school boys favorite song since 1984, when the song first came out. Their favorite food is "anything that parents bring them" which is also crazy because, being high schoolers, that is all they have access to. They defining adjective is "confused" because... well they're in high school.

Now, for the personal bits, when I took the quiz the first time, I got Noam: A bucket hatted captain self described as "smart". Now while I am not smart and in fact find intelligence intimidating, I do love me a good bucket hat, particularly to eat soup from. Since I can only imagine that is what Noam does as well, what with him being so smart and all, I am super excited to be with someone that constantly has soup either on or around his head. Thank goodness for my good fortune, and I hope Noam enjoys cream of chicken cause that's my favorite too.

One can only imagine he is holding a bowl of soup that he ate so vigorously the bottom fell off

We passed the quiz around the office/abandoned roller derby elbow pad factory and came up with all sorts of fun answers! One eligible office diabetic got Daniel: an all nonsense Captain with a keen eye for mirrors. Now there are some complications, namely that Daniel puts sugar on everything and Tabithangela, office diabetic, is... well... diabetic (also Daniel is in High School and Tabithangela is 42), but perhaps the two can work through their issues with tissues, for wiping all the sugar off the food so that Tabithangela can eat too.

I know it is a mirror, but I like to thing some poor freshman was tasked with taking this picture

Burt, the man who delivers the mail at my grandmother's apartment, got Kyle, another senior who's head is the size of his torso. This is great for fellow big-head Burt (another classic case of torso head) but tough for Kyle, who if he is anything like Burt, has had a difficult life. The team representative says it is impossible for him to take a good picture, but I bet if you just took a face picture it would be alright, provided you didn't include a banana for perspective or anything. We believe in you Kyle!

May have included a banana for scale

We gave championship NHL player Braden Holtby of the Capitals this quiz and he came up with Ruben: a senior who plays hockey. I'm not sure why a hockey player made the quiz, but like fellow hockey player Braden, both of them have good hair. Braden Holtby was even voted "best hair to teeth ratio" in "Hair and Teeth" Magazine in 2017 (although that was likely because, as a hockey player, he doesn't have a lot of teeth). I am glad these two will get to be together, since it seems like they really deserve each other.

Actual picture of Ruben

Since that was all the people we at ULTIPLANET could find, I couldn't do any more research, but I am sure this team has lots of pictures of very fun players and personalities. I would like to give a special shout out to someone named Levi who runs Sol Yanuck's instagram account. As someone who has been the curator of many a fake or misleading social media conglomerate (see ULTIPLANET circa 2017, Bryan Colangelo circa 2017) I get it, and I wish this Levi all the good luck and kind fortune in the world. I hope that a million people follow him and Sol Yanuck suffers some mild but real life consequence because of this high schooler's shenanigans (like his boss gets mad that he's instagramming at work and so Sol makes Levi shut it all down).

Lastly, They said that there movie was "Inside Out", because their team was very diverse and that they have lots of conflicting opinions but it all leads towards a common goal. Also their freshman were described as very diverse, and it is both kind and telling that the same description was used for the youngest, often most disrespected group of high schoolers on the team (that or the person who was talking to us got kind of lazy and ran out of synonyms). Inside Out was a powerful movie about mental health and personal discovery and I was very surprised and impressed that it was the movie that they chose. As such, I have personally gifted them this picture of the movie but with faces of random CHUF members on top. As a Photoshop master, I doubt you will be able to tell, but I assure you the following photo is heavily altered.

Believe it or not, Photoshopped

This team is awesome, and I hope they win nationals or states or whatever big tournament prize for high school teams is, just like they won Queen City Tune Up (but the high school version). Go CHUFF! I'll Huck and I'll CHUFF and I'll blow this house down!

EMERGENCY CORRECTIONS:

Super Secret Documents uncovered by ULTIPLANET corporate espionage division

OK, look, I know I said they were high schoolers, but our corporate espionage division just alerted me to some startling new information that has to be brought to light. Not everyone on the CHUF roster is actually in high school @usaultimate. Take a look at key contributors Levi Tapper (instagram fraud), Frederick Huang (environmental sabotage), Daniel Farrier (Wiretapping conviction), and Aaron Wei (thief). They are in third grade, first grade, kindergarten, and one foot tall (so probably a baby) respectively. Those are some major sanctions. And with the exception of Levi who is 69 tall (nice) the rest of them are clearly not high schoolers. For goodness' sake Freddy is 9/11 and in first grade, someone call a doctor quick. Hope you don't get any of these characters as players to date because that would be awkward.